First there was Bishops Behaving Badly by Sister Mary Diocletian, who attacked anti-gay intolerance and politicking at Lambeth. Then there was Bishops II, in which Faith McDonnell countered with a spirited defence of the Third World bishops. Now Sister Mary strikes back in Bishops III...

When Margaret Fuller loftily declared, 'I accept the Universe!', Thomas Carlyle replied, 'Gad! she'd better!' Faith McDonnell takes great exception to reality, and since she wasn't at Lambeth as I was, perhaps she'd better not. Faith's little response was humorous – perhaps unintendedly so. Some of the more obvious howlers:

... perhaps in the manner of those little yappy dust-mop excuses for dogs. But the American bishops, at least, were officially muzzled by Presiding Bishop Griswold (except for Bishop Jack Spong, who's in a House of Bishops of his own these days). Only America's conservatives paid no attention to the Presiding Bishop's gag order, and continued yapping happily to their pet journalists throughout Lambeth.

Which is more 'Christ-like and godly': welcoming 'sinners' to the table – or locking and bolting the doors so they can't get in? Advising the crowd to drop their stones – or stockpiling boulders?

Beyond North America, let's talk about the Christ-likeness of the Brit bishop who declared to the English press that he would like to see the 'arseholes' of all gay men 'sewn shut'. Or the godliness of the African bishop's spouse who loudly, merrily and pointedly proclaimed (so a priest with a rainbow ribbon nearby wouldn't miss it) that 'the reason we don't have homosexuals in Africa is because we execute them.' There's the mind of Christ for ya, huh?

I'm sure gay men appreciate the compliment on the heels, after all these years of being called light in their footwear, but 'most powerful'? I suppose in the same way a mouse is powerful when it has a 300-pound matron up on a chair squealing for dear life. But let's do have a little perspective, shall we? Compare the Lambeth budget of, say, Integrity, and that of the American Anglican Council. Then tell me who's a 'powerful' and 'organized' lobby.

Here's a little history lesson, Faith. Did you know that the reason gay men are called 'faggots' is because the Church's Inquisition denied them the dignity of being burned upright as heretics, and piled them below as mere fuel? Did you know that untold thousands of gay men were worked to death in Hitler's concentration camps (the hard work made them 'real men'), while lesbians were employed as state prostitutes (the Reich needed their wombs to make 'real Aryans')?

Did you know the Allies freed every group of people who survived the camps – Jews, gypsies, Jehovah's Witnesses, political prisoners – except the homosexuals, who were forced to serve out the terms given them by Nazi judges? (Now do you see why Nazis figured in my analysis?)

Since you're an expert on persecution, did you know that homosexuality is even now punishable by fines, imprisonment, dismemberment and death in 85 nations that we know of? That while many of those countries are ruled by 'the sword of Islam,' as you put it, many others claim 'Christian' roots?

Did you know the reason we didn't hear from African and Asian homosexuals at Lambeth is that they are terrified for their lives, just as Christians are – but in many cases they are terrified because of Christian as well as Muslim hatred for them? (See the comment from the bishop's spouse, above.) Isn't it ironic that on this one issue, bishops of the persecuted Church line up with their own torturers, and become the persecuting Church instead? That should cause you some lost sleep, too.

You know, a homosexual orientation may or may not be a choice. If it is, most homosexuals don't remember when they pulled the 'queer' lever. By contrast, following Christ is always a choice – each and every minute. As tragic as Christian martyrdom is, it's also glorious – as Christians throughout the ages have attested. But being beaten to death for something you don't recall ever choosing to be is just tragic, period. And Christian complicity in that is a stench in God's nostrils.

It's funnier that conservatives suddenly go 'multi-culty' when the cultures they're extolling agree with them about sex. Or perhaps I should say homo-sex; if those wonderful 'brothers in Christ' had asked for lenience on the issue of heterosexual polygamy – still very much a live issue in the African Church (around the spouses' tent, you would have heard some very revealing things!) – I wonder how many of the 'ortho' crew would have urged us all to be 'culturally sensitive'? Now that I think of it, quite a few – since they'd all want clemency on their own divorces and remarriages...

Shortly after Bishop Jack got hung out to dry on that, I happened upon a booklet put out by the Diocese of Malawi, advertising books for sale by their diocesan press. One, by an African Christian scholar, addressed the issue of animism 'in relation to and within African Christianity.' Just depends on who's talking, doesn't it?

Then who were those bishop impersonators (and their female companions) in the elaborate dashikis, well-tailored suits, and snappy Italian loafers? Who hired hundreds of actors in purple cassocks and colorful dresses to pile on the buses and go to London for a swank luncheon at Lambeth Palace and tea with the Queen, which didn't cost them a cent because it was already paid for? Where did those guys on the golf course and the cricket field come from? They were dead ringers for those African and Asian bishops and their wives! Kudos to Central Casting for their multi-cultural sensitivity!

Faith, you sound like a dear, sensitive soul, but your little friends are wrong. Whoever told you about Lambeth was just... well, telling you fairy tales. (By the way, it's not Sister Mary-Jan. It's Sister Mary. Show a little respect for the Blessed Mother, will ya?)

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