David Blunkett, the British home secretary, has announced plans for a new criminal offence: inciting religious hatred. Comedians such as Rowan Atkinson (Mr Bean, Blackadder) have voiced concern that this law would curb their freedom of derision. In the first of a series of articles on satire, Steve Tomkins looks on the bright side of a life without religious mockery.

IN 1702, a pamphlet called "The Shortest Way With Dissenters" was published in London. It suggested that all non-Anglican preachers should be hanged and their followers exiled for the sake of public order.

Many supporters of the government thought it went a bit too far, but was a valuable contribution, with its heart in the right place.

Then it turned out the author was Daniel "Robinson Crusoe" Defoe, a dissenter, and the whole thing was satire. It was a mockery of the legal victimization and mob assaults on dissenters, and as such clearly undermined religion and order. So he was thrown in prison.

All of which shows that though the British government has a history of getting confused by irony and issues of religion and civil liberties, they always get the bad guy in the end.

SO BRITISH COMEDIANS like Rowan Atkinson, who fear that a law against inciting religious hatred would limit their freedom to quip, should stop worrying. After all, Mr Blunkett himself assures us that the law is only aimed at "bigots and hotheads". "None of the measures is intended to stifle free speech," he says – and whoever heard of a law that had results that weren't intended?

The government's instinctive ability to tell hateful atrocities from cutting satire is proved by the ministers who earlier this year condemned the Brass Eye pedophilia programme and the play, Shopping and Fucking, without needing to see them (the redoubtable Mr Blunkett among them).

"Fair comment is not at risk," he insists. And assuming we all have the same idea of what's fair, what's the worry?

BUT IT'S NOT RIGHT for comics to hog the spotlight (gifted though they are at it) on this issue, because the new law promises untold benefits for society to those who have eyes to see.

Here are seven reasons to love the law:

1. Church protection

   Haven't we had enough of worldly people criticising and lampooning Christians for our intolerance, pomposity, gullibility, hypocrisy, repression, manipulativeness, and sexual hang-ups? If we haven't learned better after 2,000 years, we're never going to, so why don't Atkinson and his cronies go and find someone genuinely funny to laugh about, like the Irish, and leave God-fearing men and women alone?

2. English lit

   The law will mean great improvements in education. Many unsound "classic" writers will have to be removed from the curriculum for their derisive attacks on religious beliefs and practices – Shakepeare and Chaucer, Hardy and Tolstoy, Swift and Pope, Philip Larkin and Ted Hughes – to the great relief of schoolchildren everywhere.

3. Evangelists

   Let's face it, telling people that their current religion is setting them up for everlasting damnation is not calculated to boost love and appreciation of their faith and religious leaders. So under this law your chance of crossing the high street without being yelled at through a megaphone about sin and repentance and having a tract stuck up your nose will be appreciably increased.

4. Humanists

   Aren't you fed up of these atheists saying that religion is a pack of lies, a social control system and a fount of bigotry, injustice and hatred? Thank God this law will shut the whining scum up – in prison, hopefully.

5. Hymns and worship songs

   Church song books and services will have to be purged of gung-ho war songs about marching and armies and conquering, from Onward Christian Soldiers to 50 percent of all songs written since 1980. They obviously promote an unnecessarily combative attitude, quite apart from being irritating and self-deluded.

6. The Bible

   Publishers of the "good" book are going to have to do some long-overdue editing to comply with the new legislation. The Laws of Moses are all about steering clear of other nations with their evil false religions. Then you've got the likes of Joshua rounding them up and killing them to make double sure. The history books are littered with judgmental comments on kings who exercise their freedom to worship idols. There are some nice bits in the Psalms – in amongst provocative claims that the Lord is bigger, better and harder than all the other Gods. The prophets not only abuse all foreign religions but constantly attack their own.

   The New Testament gives us the example of Jesus laying into the Pharisees and hypocrites, and St Paul picking no end of religious fights. And let's not even think about the book of Revelation.

   That leaves us with Adam and Eve, the Christmas story, the Easter story and the first half of the 23rd Psalm. I think that's all we need nowadays, don't you?

7. Religion

   If you have a religious upbringing, the chances are you'll end up either despising all other religions, or despising the one you were brought up with. Either way, if there's one thing that promotes religious hatred, it's religion.

   To get to the real root of the problem, the government is going to have to root out religion. And good riddance. I really hate that stuff, don't you?

© Ship of Fools 2001