HarperCollins have announced that they are going to publish fresh Narnia stories. Explaining that there's a limit to the number of times you can repackage the same old product, the publishers are rebranding Aslan for a new generation, removing all outdated baggage such as religion and mythology.
Knowing that we can trust Uncle Rupert Murdoch to handle this with his celebrated sensitivity to the cultural heritage he appropriates, we sent our man in Narnia, Steve Tomkins, to get hold of the first proofs.
ONE SUNNY DAY in downtown London, England, Lucy and Ed were sitting in their quaint English mansion watching Sky TV. A steam train puffed happily by through the green fields.
"Hey, Lucy," said Ed, "these cool shows on Sky make me think. It's a long time since we went to Narnia, isn't it?"
"Yeah," said Lucy. "Why don't we go see Aslan?"
"To the wardrobe!"
WHAT ADVENTURES were waiting for them on the other side this time? Racing the White Queen to Archenland? Foiling her plans to close down the Cair Paravel Theme Park?
They climbed into the wardrobe, hit the button, and disappeared through a wormhole into another dimension.
But when they materialized, they saw something was very wrong. Snow was everywhere!
"Hey, what's going on?" they asked Bill the Beaver.
"I'm so glad to see you, Son of Homo Habilis, and Daughter of Australopithecus Afarensis!" cried Bill. "The Queen has been meddling with the environment, and now it's always winter and never Christmas, Hannukkah, Ramadan, Diwali, Solstice or Tashfest."
"We have to stop her," said Lucy, "before she destroys the whole biosphere."
SO THEY RAN TO the Queen's castle. Lucy peered through the window and saw a huge climate-changing machine.
"So that's how she's doing it," she said. "How can we break in and turn it off? Ed? Ed?"
She turned round, only to see Ed betraying his principles and running off with the Queen and a box of Turkish Delight.
"I'll have to call Aslan," she thought. "Lucky I brought my mobile."
She rang the number.
"Sorry I can't take your call right now, I'm in a parallel reality. Can't be everywhere at once, can I? Please leave a message after the roar."
© Ship of Fools 2001